Am scared to look behind!!!…..

Basically am fun loving, big foodie, emotionally very sensitive, always smiling, curious in my interested fields, very slow learner in certain areas….. a mediocre in studies……

In my childhood, I had a problem to speak/read even in my mother tongue. Till I was of seven years old, I never had interest/curiosity in studies but I had in dance. At that moment I was introduced to dance. From the very first day, I was very much influenced, became curious and ambitious about dance.

Slowly new hopes, interest, curiosity grew in me towards everything. I was 8 years old when I was certified as “poor in studies”.  For two of my teachers, I was their daily target. I used to get slapped from “intelligent students” of their class.

The new curiosity melted down, I used to be scared all the time thinking about this. I never slept those days without crying and lost all my concentration in studies. Shared this with my mom, but she felt it’s for my improvement. Dance in weekends  was like relief from misery… I danced to forget the pain,….. to keep myself alive…. I smiled for my dance… I smiled with my dance… I smiled only bcoz of my dance.,,,,,

I never knew what “accomplishment”, “appraisal” means, thought, being mediocre, I never deserved them except the punishment/insult/comparison.

I was 10 1/2 years old when I finished junior grade in dance (Bharathanatyam) with 97% (youngest and highest in state). Certificate reached home, I was happily waiting for my first appraisal, thinking I deserve. But something else was awaiting. Dance was targeted for my low grades in studies. The result of my compassion, ” The Certificate” was torn into pieces right in front of me, and everything related to my dance was taken away.

This pushed me into depression. I became intro-ward, “am always wrong” thought spread in me. Games/friends were stopped to reach me, almost everything was taken away making my life grey. It was time of holi (celebration with colors in India), I was locked inside. When colors from palette of my life were taken, would I celebrate????!!!!!!

I didn’t smile, I didn’t dance, I didn’t mingle with any… Board exams arrived (10th standard), and I realized my basics were poor, and my questions were made fun of.  So I even stopped questioning… Because of this, I understood things by my own self…

By the time I became 16 yrs old, I became unhealthy. From tip of my hair to the toe, something or the other started bothering me. My body welcomed herpes, I suffered with migraine.. For two years I lived on medicines. My parents felt this was a way of me to escape from studies. I hated everything, I even tried to kill myself so many times, but as I was never such daring, I failed in that too……..

Inferiority homed in me, Sense of “am wrong” stopped me from getting mingled, feel of “am ugly” rooted in me deeply.. became a lone frog in a well of mine. I could not recognize people, I did not know how to differentiate between good and bad, I never could understand the real faces of society, which I should have being of that age….. With all these I joined engineering. I had very few friends but never could open up with them.

Innocence of mine became threat for me. I was trapped in a web of badness, bcoz of the illusion created in me by that guy. It had to happen. A dark shadow covered me one day. Those were bad hands, intention was to take the fragrance off me. I couldn’t do anything being alone between the walls, where I entered myself . By the time I realized I was surrounded by evil, I was already imprisoned by those dark hands.

By the time shadow lied down, I was completely shattered, lonely, regretting (but I didn’t know for what..). Fear of “I am wrong” stopped me from sharing with any. The pain of that black day buried in me along with all the other pains.. I myself built the cemetery for all these….

Till date, Fear is there to look back…wounds are alive!!!!!!!!!!

 

 

I have hid this all inside of me till date, it had eaten me up each day and this is the key reason for my frustrations and disturbance… I cant hide this anymore, I wanna scream out… cry it out….. I have realized this wound can to be cured by bringing out…speaking it out!!!!… I want to move ahead without this load in me!!

 

I certainly scribbled this…..

Scratching my Heart….

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35 thoughts on “Am scared to look behind!!!…..

  1. Though letting out helps to ease out the pain, it certainly requires a lot of courage to share something this personal. Hope you are feeling a little relieved after scribbling all of this 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

    • We should take this step Pranay…I was done hiding it…bagging it with in myself!!!!!!!!……… Yeah feeling better!!!!!,… Thanks for your concern and appreciation 🙂

      Like

  2. You have made yourself an open book through this writing in your blog.
    Very bold in doing so.
    But finally you have spoken out. Happy for it. My papa says “Keeping such matters inside mind and suffering everyday is like slow poison to our mind and body. ”
    Coming to what you have shared, you really have suffered a lot. Past is past. May be now you have found and decided, on what keeps you positive and happy. I guess you are following it already. Stick with it. No matter what, don’t let a single, tiniest of tiniest negative thought to stay in your mind. Repect your self, stay humble to learn and persevere the positives in you.
    Ok formal comment on your blog is over from me, now the actual response is ” Le nan idini, nan hatra nadru manas bichi, kobbu bittu mathadu mangya “

    Liked by 1 person

    • What your papa says is very true Dhanz……We should throw it out…spit it out….I have no clue all of a sudden from where I gathered this courage and confidence in own self and spoke but even am happy about it , feeling relieved!!!!!…even you are happy that’s very glad thing for me……Yeah am going to follow which invigorated me to do this!!…such a aura it is to live forever with it!!!!

      I never had that confidence in myself to speak openly with you or berry or smithaaa…….. The thought “am always wrong” made me hide everything inside of me!!!!

      Like

  3. Arre ashmitaa next time even if you think of taking your life i will give you a beating.i can’t tell everything about me to you.but yes there are some difficult situations.but god always gave me someone to trust.i still does.parents will have concerns.but if it was for my parents or your parents we both wouldn’t be here on this lovely earth right?how can we repay that debt?tujhe kuch nahi hoga.you will fullfill all your dreams.i will pray ok?

    Like

  4. Ashmitaa can you do me a favour.i still believe abhilasha(mysilent escape) is not posting new poems because of me(there is a story behind it silly thing).she has unapproved my comments.so can you write a comment like where are you?what happened?oh god she writes beautifully.maybe she have exams my best guess.but like you wrote here if i can know the real reason a relief that is all.

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  5. Yes Ashmitaa, I liked your writing and more than that I liked your boldness. If you have overcome all this, you can truly overcome any hurdle in life. All the best to your journey ahead.

    Cheers gal 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  6. are let the marks go to hell.sorry i missed the certificate tearing part.oh god that must have hurted you badly.you know the things i learned from this blog writing itself is much more than what i studied in engineering ok so now what are you doing?

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  7. even i don’t have such a good job.god is with you.never ever post a depressing story.to be frank ashmitaa i am a very emotional person.so this one really hurt me.always keep smiling ok?
    you changed the theme?nice one.

    Like

    • Here I express Sherinsk…I have to open every face here… yeah sometimes someone unknown.. somethings makes us emotional… happens… Yeah I will be happy, smiling around like I was once!… Yeah just changed the theme, glad u liked it!!!

      Like

    • Thank you so much for your appreciation :)…. Am very glad to know my taken step inspired you and overwhelmed by your dearest name “my soul dancing sister”…You made my day…Thank you so so much Dear 🙂 🙂 🙂

      Like

  8. Very nicely expressed, I could feel the pain !! But sadly, it’s almost every fourth person’s story in India, hobbies , interests are never encouraged , and ultimately , we are left with two options to decide from : Engineering or Medical !!!
    And now it’s affecting our economy too , Hope people understand this

    Like

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    Like

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