Am Back

Capture

Am back here with my sand again,
Am back here to let my flares to spread ,
Am back here with cuppa of thought’s beans, to brew my latte,
Am back here with my feeling’s hot balloons and all  set to            release in this sky,
Am back here with a ” MIRROR” which reflects and refracts all of me and you.

Asmi!

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Nafrat….

Zindagi ke iss anjaane safar pe,
Aap aaye kyu the hamare kinaare pe,
Kam tha kya??? Dard hamare seene main,
Jo aap bhi chodgaye apne hisaab ke????

Kisne bulaya tha aapko yahan???
Humne tho koi bhulava nahi bhijvayatha….
Kisne bola tha apne dil ki baat ko izhaar karne keliye,
Jab aap ko pata tha, aapka dil jeetha hi nahi zindagi ke asli seediyon pe …

Aap aaye aur chale gaye, Humaare kinaare ko ujaadke ,
Nafrat ki koi goonj tak nahi goonjthi thi hamare dil mein kabhi….
Aapke kamzhor, bey bhuniyaad bhavanao ne,
majboor kardhiya hai humhe, ye soch ne keliye,
sirf nafrat ujaad sakti hai aapko humare dil ke aanganse .

Kabhi kabhi Nafrat bhi zaroori hai!!!! Can I hold this for long??

Asmithaaa……… Gathering herself!!

Why were you here????

In my own shore,
was relaxing taking off shoes worn since two years.
Was done with all,
was subtle……even my shore had same title.

And you arrived….you arrived..
You expressed..just expressed…
You swam through me…just swam for long,
Silently I was with you in all staying just behind you….

I showed am completely drenched,
you showed you are done with everything here,
some norms,
some believes,
some thinking as reasons,
ignoring my ink,
pushing me to get sick.

Today, I see you gathered well,
seems like, you just lied all well,
or had spilled surface level,
or cheated mean while.
Whatever,…why were you here???
You have any clue
what am going through with this glue???………

Completely wet by something,
which is not mine,
weather is chill around,
not letting me to dry…

Why were you here?
to ensure I can bare anymore chaos tear??????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Asmitha, trying to gather up herself, again 😥 ~~~~~~~~~

Widow- It’s just a marital status!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A girl Soul,
cribbed in womb.
laps of warmth,
wrapped the new born in white cloth.

Jingles on feet,
blended smile all over u can see.
Innocence was behold,
in trait of the toddler.

Mirror were those eyes,
for all elder’s desires.
From the day one
the dream of her marriage was on twine.

She was lucky charm
bearer of divine gleam
she was a fount of happiness
causing flurry of grief by her presence

Her marriage day,
she was made dress up in a queenly way.
Affectionately bought jewels made of rare gems,
was all what made her parent feel all satisfying.

She wore a grin,
was happy ,was sad somewhere in twig.
hard was that goodbye,
yet the love showed, made it facile

Curse you say or karma,
everything given was taken away in a second.
She is now a wretched stone,
Her presence is sole cause for all failures.

She deserves only pity,
her own family convinced her to swallow this recline misty.
even made her wear the complete white,
once was for hygiene now to keep up their custom

What she was for them???
To treat as per their rhythm???
once they said you bought us happiness
again they made her realize she has shipped the cursedness????
Once she was called as fortunate gem
Now called as hapless widow??!!!!

Felt the space!!!

Clobbered Clouds,
enticed her soul from repose.
Infinite droplets on casement,
lingered her to enigmatic state.

Music of rain was syncing,
to the ticker’s journey of remembering.
Lightening was striking those eyes,
which were anticipating someone’ s presence.

Palm drifted across the window glass
perceived the chill
the drizzle had devised.

Pulchritude it was,
the artistry of dews.
Rapture was that delight,
yet heart swayed to the twilight,
about the emptiness lodged,
between those fingers!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dream House

A dream house,
Built in couch of a muse
Twin of happiness
Unsullied colors of calmness
Holistic divines
Mingled, jumbled in making her residence.

In visceral world,
Imaginative falcon
In its fanatic shimmer,
Placed her emotions
In quintessence way’
Looked so real, it was within her!!!

She lived in there,
She believed practically being one day there.
It not just was in her thoughts
It started being in gait of her.

She never thought of it
As a building made of bricks.
Its place where her dreams, desires
dwelled expecting its matrix.

Eternity heals the hurt

Cool breeze in it’s insane mood,
Pushing them to a enthralling mode.
magic of touch was unwind
through intoxicant warmth lid.

Fire of desire,
planned it’s arrival.
entwined, embraced the sheer,
melted the layer of humble.

Soul entered
the place of heavenly hood,
isolated from this sphere hood,
closeness was such one,
they could listen the beats of another one.

Wisdom, ego bowed down,
to the Entice the beauty held.
Visceral rumbling of solidarity
compelled them to a harmony.

Wrapped close by blanket of compassion,
plundering each others’ emotion.
maverick words were seeping,
irrevocable was that mingling .

Time to break the wear of shy,
moment to express the desire to stay,
both knew each others’ limits,
warmth was enough to make them forget their fears.
It was love couched in serene,
made them feel the eternity they are living with.

They miss the togetherness,
when they were at far distance.
it was never yearning, hankering, craving of a physicality,
it was their love expressed in most expressive way.
it’s impulsive preference to heal all their hurt.

Ehsaas

Dil ke Dhaire pe chupaya tha khwaabon ko…
Marodthe zinda sapnon ko…
Kaun patha laga saktha hai kudha ka iradhonko…
Jab pata laga , mein koyi thi apki dil ki saugandh main jahan mila tha pank meri tuti khwaabon ko…

 

Dil ki khamoshiyon ke kashtiyon ko thodkar…
Mushkilon ko apne seene main marodkar…
Mere dil ki chein ke liye aap muskuradiye…
mujhe hai nahi pata badle me main kya du

 

Yaare khuda… kis tarah ka hai ye ehsaas…
Aapne toh sirf bhuladi mujhe meri naam se,
Aapko kya hai pata meri haal uss ehsaas pe…

 

Badal main chupe chaand ka chehera,
Humhe aapke seene mein chupne ka khwaab jagaya…
Ye dil ke bhaavon ka bhi ajeeb daastan hain…
Bina bataye hotton pe sajh jate hain…
Humhe taarif ka hai nahi intazaar…
Aap pade un hotton ko, sirf yeh hai dil ka aitraaz…

 

Iss waqt ko rokhne ka zidd hai humko…
Rokh kar aapke saath rehne ka mann hai humko…
Raat ki dhor samaj main aaye bina tal rahi hain…
Lekin dil ki khamoshiyan talneka naam nahi le rahi hain…
Waqt ke saat toh chalna he padega…
Dekte hain aaj ki tanhaayian kitni gehri pe hain…

Am scared to look behind!!!…..

Basically am fun loving, big foodie, emotionally very sensitive, always smiling, curious in my interested fields, very slow learner in certain areas….. a mediocre in studies……

In my childhood, I had a problem to speak/read even in my mother tongue. Till I was of seven years old, I never had interest/curiosity in studies but I had in dance. At that moment I was introduced to dance. From the very first day, I was very much influenced, became curious and ambitious about dance.

Slowly new hopes, interest, curiosity grew in me towards everything. I was 8 years old when I was certified as “poor in studies”.  For two of my teachers, I was their daily target. I used to get slapped from “intelligent students” of their class.

The new curiosity melted down, I used to be scared all the time thinking about this. I never slept those days without crying and lost all my concentration in studies. Shared this with my mom, but she felt it’s for my improvement. Dance in weekends  was like relief from misery… I danced to forget the pain,….. to keep myself alive…. I smiled for my dance… I smiled with my dance… I smiled only bcoz of my dance.,,,,,

I never knew what “accomplishment”, “appraisal” means, thought, being mediocre, I never deserved them except the punishment/insult/comparison.

I was 10 1/2 years old when I finished junior grade in dance (Bharathanatyam) with 97% (youngest and highest in state). Certificate reached home, I was happily waiting for my first appraisal, thinking I deserve. But something else was awaiting. Dance was targeted for my low grades in studies. The result of my compassion, ” The Certificate” was torn into pieces right in front of me, and everything related to my dance was taken away.

This pushed me into depression. I became intro-ward, “am always wrong” thought spread in me. Games/friends were stopped to reach me, almost everything was taken away making my life grey. It was time of holi (celebration with colors in India), I was locked inside. When colors from palette of my life were taken, would I celebrate????!!!!!!

I didn’t smile, I didn’t dance, I didn’t mingle with any… Board exams arrived (10th standard), and I realized my basics were poor, and my questions were made fun of.  So I even stopped questioning… Because of this, I understood things by my own self…

By the time I became 16 yrs old, I became unhealthy. From tip of my hair to the toe, something or the other started bothering me. My body welcomed herpes, I suffered with migraine.. For two years I lived on medicines. My parents felt this was a way of me to escape from studies. I hated everything, I even tried to kill myself so many times, but as I was never such daring, I failed in that too……..

Inferiority homed in me, Sense of “am wrong” stopped me from getting mingled, feel of “am ugly” rooted in me deeply.. became a lone frog in a well of mine. I could not recognize people, I did not know how to differentiate between good and bad, I never could understand the real faces of society, which I should have being of that age….. With all these I joined engineering. I had very few friends but never could open up with them.

Innocence of mine became threat for me. I was trapped in a web of badness, bcoz of the illusion created in me by that guy. It had to happen. A dark shadow covered me one day. Those were bad hands, intention was to take the fragrance off me. I couldn’t do anything being alone between the walls, where I entered myself . By the time I realized I was surrounded by evil, I was already imprisoned by those dark hands.

By the time shadow lied down, I was completely shattered, lonely, regretting (but I didn’t know for what..). Fear of “I am wrong” stopped me from sharing with any. The pain of that black day buried in me along with all the other pains.. I myself built the cemetery for all these….

Till date, Fear is there to look back…wounds are alive!!!!!!!!!!

 

 

I have hid this all inside of me till date, it had eaten me up each day and this is the key reason for my frustrations and disturbance… I cant hide this anymore, I wanna scream out… cry it out….. I have realized this wound can to be cured by bringing out…speaking it out!!!!… I want to move ahead without this load in me!!

 

I certainly scribbled this…..

Scratching my Heart….