Am scared to look behind!!!…..

Basically am fun loving, big foodie, emotionally very sensitive, always smiling, curious in my interested fields, very slow learner in certain areas….. a mediocre in studies……

In my childhood, I had a problem to speak/read even in my mother tongue. Till I was of seven years old, I never had interest/curiosity in studies but I had in dance. At that moment I was introduced to dance. From the very first day, I was very much influenced, became curious and ambitious about dance.

Slowly new hopes, interest, curiosity grew in me towards everything. I was 8 years old when I was certified as “poor in studies”.  For two of my teachers, I was their daily target. I used to get slapped from “intelligent students” of their class.

The new curiosity melted down, I used to be scared all the time thinking about this. I never slept those days without crying and lost all my concentration in studies. Shared this with my mom, but she felt it’s for my improvement. Dance in weekends  was like relief from misery… I danced to forget the pain,….. to keep myself alive…. I smiled for my dance… I smiled with my dance… I smiled only bcoz of my dance.,,,,,

I never knew what “accomplishment”, “appraisal” means, thought, being mediocre, I never deserved them except the punishment/insult/comparison.

I was 10 1/2 years old when I finished junior grade in dance (Bharathanatyam) with 97% (youngest and highest in state). Certificate reached home, I was happily waiting for my first appraisal, thinking I deserve. But something else was awaiting. Dance was targeted for my low grades in studies. The result of my compassion, ” The Certificate” was torn into pieces right in front of me, and everything related to my dance was taken away.

This pushed me into depression. I became intro-ward, “am always wrong” thought spread in me. Games/friends were stopped to reach me, almost everything was taken away making my life grey. It was time of holi (celebration with colors in India), I was locked inside. When colors from palette of my life were taken, would I celebrate????!!!!!!

I didn’t smile, I didn’t dance, I didn’t mingle with any… Board exams arrived (10th standard), and I realized my basics were poor, and my questions were made fun of.  So I even stopped questioning… Because of this, I understood things by my own self…

By the time I became 16 yrs old, I became unhealthy. From tip of my hair to the toe, something or the other started bothering me. My body welcomed herpes, I suffered with migraine.. For two years I lived on medicines. My parents felt this was a way of me to escape from studies. I hated everything, I even tried to kill myself so many times, but as I was never such daring, I failed in that too……..

Inferiority homed in me, Sense of “am wrong” stopped me from getting mingled, feel of “am ugly” rooted in me deeply.. became a lone frog in a well of mine. I could not recognize people, I did not know how to differentiate between good and bad, I never could understand the real faces of society, which I should have being of that age….. With all these I joined engineering. I had very few friends but never could open up with them.

Innocence of mine became threat for me. I was trapped in a web of badness, bcoz of the illusion created in me by that guy. It had to happen. A dark shadow covered me one day. Those were bad hands, intention was to take the fragrance off me. I couldn’t do anything being alone between the walls, where I entered myself . By the time I realized I was surrounded by evil, I was already imprisoned by those dark hands.

By the time shadow lied down, I was completely shattered, lonely, regretting (but I didn’t know for what..). Fear of “I am wrong” stopped me from sharing with any. The pain of that black day buried in me along with all the other pains.. I myself built the cemetery for all these….

Till date, Fear is there to look back…wounds are alive!!!!!!!!!!

 

 

I have hid this all inside of me till date, it had eaten me up each day and this is the key reason for my frustrations and disturbance… I cant hide this anymore, I wanna scream out… cry it out….. I have realized this wound can to be cured by bringing out…speaking it out!!!!… I want to move ahead without this load in me!!

 

I certainly scribbled this…..

Scratching my Heart….

Hidden part!!!!!!!!!………….

Yes it was there in me always, am just revealing it today!! …….inferiority is probably like this only. They strike us all the time, but we ignore them because we somewhere know we need to work really hard to overcome them. People find me very bold, strong and witty but their is a fragile part of me as well, who cries for very small thing, who very often feels vulnerable and drowns in fear of loosing and will do anything and everything until it gets consoled that she is not gonna lose, standing in front of mirror who feels ugly, doubts her tastes, what she has chose because she compares with others, who goes silent for some direct questions because of the doubt she has on her answers, who ends up with no hopes when she doesn’t believe herself, I think we all have this HIDDEN PART in us which sometimes in crowd makes us silent, makes us feel inferior to mingle up, make us cage our self to be alone.